|I'm not convinced the 'spark ' |
has much to do with hearts...
I went on a couple of uneventful and uninteresting dates that week. The men in question were perfectly pleasant, interesting and nice, but I didn't feel the slightest inclination to see them again. I'm wary of using the phrase 'there was no spark', because I am all too aware that this mythical 'spark' is more than likely a product of my own, Disney-addled imagination... but there was no spark. I was beginning to wonder if I was setting myself up for failure, as I had agreed to go on dates with very nice, very normal people, all the while knowing that I don't lust after nice, normal men (apologies to anyone reading who I have lusted after - I'm sure you are nice and normal...I just never thought so).
And then I remembered 'e-mail guy' (I tend to apply nicknames when discussing men with my flatmate, as she loses track unless I provide specific details to jog her memory). Sure his approach was a little brusque, and he's slightly older than most of the men I've been on dates with, but in the interest of thinking outside my lustbox, I sent him a brief introductory e-mail, making it clear that he should not feel obliged to reply, because I'm just being friendly. He replied fairly quickly, with the same brusque offbeat tone he had used in his first message to me. By this point my spidey senses were going into overdrive - he seemed like a bit of a tosser. My lustbox was intrigued. We exchanged a few more e-mails - he asked about my burlesque acts; I asked about his insane exercise regime (he does CrossFit - it's horrendous). Finally, he asked if I was up for meeting that evening, as he happened to be free. I considered the pros and cons. We had only exchanged a few emails, and I still wasn't sure if I wanted to meet him. However, I had nothing else to do that evening, and thought it might be worthwhile getting the meet and greet over with before I built up an idea in my head of what he would be like (only to be cruelly disappointed when he was none of these things: see #4 - Trusting the profile picture...)
We exchanged mobile numbers (I'd learnt my lesson) and agreed on a time and place. We even managed to fit in a five minute telephone conversation, where I got to hear his undeniably sexy Irish accent for the first time. I should have know then this was not going to be straightforward. We met in Molly Moggs, a little pub near my flat that he immediately pointed out was a gay pub (though how he had time to ask the pub its orientation was beyond me), but slight homophobic blip aside he seemed fairly normal, so I let him buy me a drink. So far, so good. He was clearly not in his element in the pub - we were the only straight couple in there - so I suggested we move on (before he embarrassed me any further) and we headed towards The French House for a bottle of very strong cider.
At this point I offered to buy a round of drinks. This is the make or break moment on any date, regardless of what the answer is. Generally I will always pay for half of a meal out, or cinema tickets, or rounds of drinks without prompting: not only is it good manners, but it's also an incentive to order within your financial means. Unfortunately my income is very low, and I often end up footing a bill I can't afford: since starting this dating lark I have found myself significantly worse off than when I was single. With this in mind my new attitude is that I will always offer, but if this initial offer is rebuffed I will presume my date is willing to pay the entirety of the bill*. Occasionally I will force the issue, such as if I know my date to be in a similar financial position to me, but as much as I think it good manners to offer to split the bill, I think it's appalling manners to turn down a free meal.
*A friend of mine has an interesting approach to dealing with the awkward moment when the bill arrives: she excuses herself to the ladies for a few minutes, giving her date time to look at the bill, pay for the bill and remove all trace of having done so before she returns. It normally works, apart from the even more awkward moment when she returned to find her date waiting with a calculator...
Sexy Irish dude (his nickname was improved based on the accent) had already informed me that he worked in a fairly well paying job. He had in fact just returned from a month' holiday travelling around Thailand, safe in the knowledge that he could easily take a month off work and not be homeless. If I'm entirely honest, I was not expecting him to let me buy him a drink. I was entirely wrong. This in itself is often a good sign, as I have some lovely male friends who get annoyed if I buy the first round, completely missing the point that if I wanted them to buy me a drink, they would have bought it already! And so I wasn't too fussed about sharing the expense for the night, as in the grand scheme of things a few rounds of drinks wasn't going to break the bank like an expensive meal or a pair of tickets for the London Eye (I forgot to mention that #2 bought the tickets in advance...)
We drank, we flirted, I playfully pulled his t-shirt up to have a good look at his tattoos (and rock hard abs, a fun extra), he stared unashamedly at my chest and tried to guess my bar size. So far, so good. We moved on to my favourite bar LVPO, and I put the final stage of my interrogation* into action: what' your favourite cocktail? I'm a cocktail snob, and having invested several year of my life into tasting and making cocktails I feel confident in saying that I know my shit, gin-wise. Sexy Irish Dude has made a previous comment about enjoying a good Passion Fruit Mojito, which I ignored because I felt it would be rude to mock him in public. I ordered a couple of Vespers, and explained how they got their name as he fished his olive out and eyed it with deep suspicion (whilst clearly loathing me for ordering such an unashamedly manly drink). He made it halfway through before sneaking off to the bar to order the damn Passion Fruit Mojitos (which admittedly were very tasty, probably because I couldn't taste any alcohol), and at this point I realised that I was really quite drunk. From here it's a slight blur. The philosophical conundrum of not behaving like a drunk person until you realise just how drunk you are is not one I want to examine too closely today, but that moment of clarity served to remind me that the Bad News Bears** were probably nearby, having a good old chuckle at me and my now totally hammered date.
*I had begun to view dating as stealth infiltration and extraction...
** See #1 - Getting drunk on a first date...
We may have kissed in LVPO. We may also have agreed to leave LVPO and find 'somewhere else' to go. We almost certainly did not agree that this would be my flat. Under no circumstances did I wake up at 6am with a pounding headache and a naked Irish man wrapped around me in what I can only describe as a sleep grip of doom. A hypothetical sleep grip of doom.
He sprung into action at around 6.30am and informed me he was going to pop home and change, as he had to be in work in a couple of hours. I was quite relieved to see him go - I don't often sleep when I share a bed, and I had a 14 hour day at work ahead of me. I fell back to sleep, enjoying the vastness of my now man-free bed, but awoke a few hours later to a nagging feeling that something was afoot. Something was not right, and I couldn't put my finger on it. Sexy Irish Dude hadn't called, but then again I hadn't expected him too (he informed me he thought it was possible that a one night stand could turn into a meaningful relationship, but I heard that aged 19 too, and I'm still waiting for that phone call...). I considered the possibility that I quite liked him, but thankfully I have got the lustbox under control to the point where I can differentiate between genuinely sexy men and assholes with abs...so what exactly was making me so anxious...? After exhausting all logical possibilities I decided that maybe my female intuition was having an off day, and put it to the back of my mind.
And then my bank statement arrived. If my alcohol maths is correct (and it always is, it's a very useful skill) then I actually spent more than him on the evening drinks, AND I saved him a taxi fare home at 2am.
Note to self - do not invest more than £15.00 on a date with someone you know will not call back. Invest in something more durable. Like a day planner, or a big bottle of gin.